The Unseen Tears of the Albacore: An Overanalysis of Thin Ice

"Trust me, nice clothes cover up racism"

Sorry I'm late this week.  I'm packing to move next Saturday (13th) and I was a little behind on my reviews over at Punknews. (Go check out my reviews of Conor Oberst, Kendrick Lamar, and Cayetana from this week, because I'm weirdly eclectic.)  Also, there's this show on Netflix called Girlboss that I'm already on my fourth time through watching, so I've had things to do.  So I'll probably get this out after the new episode airs in England, but before it airs in the US.  So here we go!

I liked this episode a lot, even though others thought it was was a knock off of "The Beast Below."  I admit that there are similarities.  Most notably that you could just as easily call this episode "The Beast Below" is the name wasn't already taken.  Of course, the beast in "The Beast Below" didn't eat the children.  But the biggest similarity between "Thin Ice" and "The Beast Below" is that the monster is almost a B-story to the more important story of the Doctor bonding with his new companion.  Bill had to deal head on with the darker realities of traveling with the Doctor.  It's something everyone eventually realizes about the Doctor.  But as Bill is likely to be a one-season-and-done companion, she needs to learn it faster than  the others.

I'm glad they addressed the fact of Bill's race.  They did it a little bit with  Martha's first trip into the past with "The Shakespeare Code," but the 10th Doctor seemed oblivious to her concerns.  The notoriously oblivious 12th Doctor understood it a lot better.  I know some people who found it too preachy, but I loved the moment when Bill pointed out there were more black people there than in the  history books, and the Doctor said "History, it's a whitewash."  My hope is that when they finally hire the first black Doctor they address these sorts of things.  I'm really hoping that happens next season and that despite the rumors it's not this guy:

I'm bringing fugly back.

But this guy:

Have you tried turning the Dalek off and on again?

Last week, I had a theory after I published the blog that what was in the vault was Gallifrey, since the creatures trying to destroy it in "Time of the Doctor" presumably don't know it's back yet and that confrontation is yet to happen.  But "Thin Ice" seemed to imply from the interaction with Nardole (who was thankfully in this episode very little, and only to be the big fuddy-duddy) and whatever's in the vault, that there's a single creature in that vault.  My new theory is that one of the versions of the Master we're promised to see this year, was sentenced to death by the Time Lords and the Doctor negotiated with them to put him/her under his custody.

Next week's episode (which isn't really next week because it's airing in the UK as I type this) is by a brand new writer, so who knows what it'll be like.  So until next time:

A Doctor's Dozen: A Doctor Who Book Report on the Thirteen Doctors Problem

Why is there a monkey dressed as a German soldier in WWI?

"When they came [to America] to launch The Eleventh Hour, I went along to this screening in LA and journalists put their hands up, and one of the first questions was, 'WHat will happen when he reaches the thirteenth regeneration?' There's a fascinating academic study to be made out of how some facts stick and some don't--how Jon Pertwee's Doctor could say he was thousands of years old, and no-one listens to that, and yet someone once says he's only got thirteen lives, and it becomes lore.  It's really interesting, I think.  That's why I'm quite serious that that 507 thing won't stick, because the 13 is too deeply ingrained in the public consciousness.  But how?  How did that get there?"

-Russell T. Davies

I've said sometimes that Moffat bases his version of Doctor Who on a mis-remembering of what the classic series really was.  This quote makes it clear that Davies is mis-remembering the classic series as well.  The Doctor's age has fluctuated so much over the years that, no, nobody remembers him saying that he was thousands of years old. The First Doctor claimed to be about 100, the Fourth Doctor claimed to be about 700, and then pretty much every Doctor between 6 and 11 claimed to be 900.  How could any of these numbers stick in anybody's head?  We've all just assumed he's lying.  Rule 1, after all.

It was first established in the Fifth Doctor episode "Mawdryn Undead" that Time Lords can only regenerate 12 times.  For those who failed elementary school math, you'll realize that that doesn't mean that there can only be 12 Doctors, but that there can only be 13.  Davies, as shown above, seems to mis-remember the number of times the 13 Doctor's issue was brought up.  He thinks it was just once.  He is very wrong.  It was not a minor plot point in "Mawdryn Undead," as the episode was about someone trying to steal the Doctor's remaining 8 regenerations.  The Valeyard was said, by the Master, to be created between the Doctor's 12th and final incarnations.  It was established in the Fourth Doctor episode "The Deadly Assassin" that the Master had already used up all of his regenerations, which is why he was clinging to life and needed to steal a body.  The Eighth Doctor said in the narration to the Doctor Who that the Master had used up all of his thirteen lives.  There were a few other casual references, but it was used as main plot points in a number of episodes.  That's why 13 stuck in the public consciousness, Russell.

When Davies mentions the number 507 here, he is referring to the fact that, the one time he got to write for the Eleventh Doctor, in his guest appearance in the Sarah Jane Adventures episode "Death of the Doctor," the Doctor was asked how many times he could regenerate, and he answered "507."  The number was Davies's little "fuck you" to the fans, as the digits in that number add up to--you guessed it--thirteen!  507 has not only failed to stick in the public consciousness, fans are rejecting it because we flat out find it insulting that he thinks you can just throw away a piece of the mythology like that.  It's easier to throw away the Doctor's claim of 507 under Rule 1.

Now we find ourselves in an interesting situation.  The number thirteen was obviously chosen during the Fifth Doctor era because nobody thought they had to worry about the show going through another 8 regenerations.  Now we're here decades later and Moffat has decided to speed up the process.  By adding "True 9," or the "John Hurt Doctor," every Doctor number since 9 has to be bumped up by one.  Eccleston was truly the 10th Doctor, Tennant the 11th, Smith the 12th, and the new Doctor who will take over for Smith in December...will technically be the 13th, and final, Doctor!  That means that Steven Moffat will most likely be the person to decide how the 13th Doctor problem is to be resolved.  Moffat is going to decide how to pull off the impossible regeneration.

So why do I call this the Thirteen Doctors Problem?  The first reason is that it's a narrative problem.  We have no doubt that this show is going to keep going, so it's a narrative hurdle we know that they have to overcome before the show moves forward.  But my biggest concern is whether or not they're even going to bother addressing it.  To use Davies's solution--to take Route 507, if you will--would be insulting to the fan base.

We know the lore better than you do.  Don't try to change it without really thinking about it and researching it and coming up with a solution that doesn't insult our intelligence.  So my fear that Moffat is going to listen to Davies and just ignore the issue is the main "problem" to which I refer.

Someone at Comic Con mentioned to me his theory:  that, in "Let's Kill Hitler," when River saved the Doctor with her regeneration energy, it was said she used up the rest of her regenerations to save him, so maybe she gave him her remaining regenerations.  We only know for sure that she had regenerated at least 2 times before that.  It's unlikely that she regenerated any more than two times (but it's not impossible).  Thus, she would give him probably 9 more regenerations, and keep us from having to deal with this problem again for another few decades.  Interesting idea.

Do Gallifreyan sex-ed teachers teach you that sex can lead to things like babies, STDs, or losing 9 of your lives?

Personally, I think the Cartmel Masterplan gets us easily out of the problem.  The Doctor is a god, so how can he die?  I do believe in the Cartmel Masterplan, as you know if you've been reading me for a while.  But I don't think anybody will--or necessarily should--state explicitly on the show that the Cartmel Masterplan is canon.

I'm going to do something I don't do often and tell you what I would do if I was the head writer of Doctor Who (and, damn, do I wish I was):  The Doctor is injured one last time.  As he starts to become weaker, he starts to say his goodbyes to those around him, thinking the true end has finally come.  Suddenly, he regenerates, and the 13th Doctor appears and says "That's not possible!"  Then I'd wait for a while to explain it, if I bothered to explain it at all.  Nobody explained what regeneration even was until the 3rd time it happened.  Maybe I'd just let the mystery of why the Doctor can still regenerate hang around for a while for someone far down the line from me to solve.  I think that adding some of that mystery back to the show would be a lot of fun.

Also, as we get closer to the "final" regeneration, it's important to ask:  Will the Doctor start to become more afraid of his death since he thinks the last one is coming soon?  Being in your final regeneration must be pretty terrifying for a Time Lord.  Will he start to become more cautious?  Or will he become even more reckless, hoping to squeeze as much as he can out of the last of his lives?  If I know Moffat's writing, I think the latter is more likely.

I'm really glad that Davies is not in the driver's seat right now, but it's not entirely clear where Steven Moffat stands on this issue.  So let this be my plea to Moffat:  When the time comes for the "12th" Doctor to regenerate, address the Thirteen Doctors Problem.  I don't give a single shit how you do it, as long as it's something that does not insult our intelligence (like Route 507).  Just address it.  Somehow.

Oh, and also, make Richard Ayoade the 12th Doctor!

Have You Tried Turning it Off and On Again?: I Restart the Richard Ayoade for 12th Doctor Campaign

"I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk."

Sign the Most Important Petition You'll Ever Sign (That Has to do with Doctor Who)!

So, my original reason for halting my Richard Ayoade for 12th Doctor campaign was that Wil Wheton claimed to have known who the Doctor was for several week before Matt Smith announced his retirement.  Then Steven Moffat came out and said that the search had just begun.  Who is more likely to be lying?  Moffat or Wheaton?  Honestly, it's a coin flip on that one.  So I thought I might as well give it one more shot, just in case there's still a chance of the best choice for the Doctor being cast for the role.

My first exposure to Richard Ayoade was when Jackie, a member of my PhD cohort, introduced me to The I.T. Crowd one night after a really rough day of classes.  What I got to watch was one of the funniest, nerdiest shows in British television history.  And the entire thing was carried by one brilliantly comic actor who played such a brilliant nerd that he put Steve Urkel to shame.

I later came to love Ayoade in pretty much everything else he did.  He kind of works with a very specific crowd of actors and comedians, most of them in some way associated with the brilliant comedy duo, The Mighty Boosh.  Ayoade was actually a pretty main character in the Boosh's radio show, but when they got their own TV show, he was pretty busy with The I.T. Crowd.  Still, the two shows had a little crossover, with half of the Boosh (Noel Fielding) having a recurring role on The I.T. Crowd, Matt Berry appearing prominently in both shows, and Ayoade having a small but hilarious recurring role as the shaman Saboo.

Ayoade has done tons of other things, such as his short but hilarious cameo in The Bunny and The Bull, directing an Arctic Monkey's concert video, and three different films that he wrote himself.

I could sing Ayoade's praises for hours, but I thought I'd try to talk you into signing my petition by showing you some of the best of Ayoade.

First, The I.T. Crowd:

And now, The Mighty Boosh, as a true Doctor must know about the crunch:

And finally, the trailer for his own movie that he wrote and directed, Submarine (which, admittedly, I've yet to see):

What more evidence do you need?  Sign the petition today.  If a Facebook group can get Betty White to host SNL, I can make Richard Ayoade the motherflippin' Doctor.

And he would probably keep all of the swooning Doctor Who fangirls, too!

The Fall of the Eleventh: Some Thoughts on Matt Smith's Departure and the Search for the 12th Doctor

Sadly, it seems that my campaign to make Richard Ayoade the next Doctor is in vain, because Wil Wheaton claims to have known who the next Doctor is for weeks.  Perhaps I needed to start my Richard Ayoade campaign a year ago.  That's a shame.  Maybe I can get him in next time.  Unless Wil Wheaton is just the spitting image of his fictional portrayal of himself on The Big Bang Theory--which makes him look like a completely petty douche--then I think he's probably telling the truth.  Unless this falls into Rule 2:  Moffat gets other people to lie for him.  But why Wil Wheaton?  Certainly, Star Trek has always been a sister franchise to Doctor Who, as each started in approximately the same year and each one is about as popular in its own country as the other one is in it's country.  There's a long list of actors that have appeared in both franchises--such as Daphne Ashbrook and John de Lancie--but nobody has been a significantly important part of both franchises.  So why does Wil Wheaton, an American who is mostly known as an ironic, post-modern camp celebrity who has somehow reopened the door to his former popularity with his online presence know who the 12th Doctor is?  Why would he be privvy to this information?

My only guess is that, by coincidence, Wheaton happens to be friends with whoever is cast.  However, I wasn't aware that Wheaton had a lot of friends who are British actors.  When it comes to British actors that Wheaton is close to, there's only one name that pops up as glaringly obvious:  Patrick Stewart.  I put this as an unlikely option, though, but it would be an interesting and bold choice.  Stewart would not play the character with as much whimsy as the last few.  I can't imagine Stewart being whimsical.  Furthermore, he'd have the most epic science-fiction career ever, having played The Doctor, a Star Trek captain, and Professor Xavier.  He'd go down as the greatest science-fiction icon in history.  Still, I don't like this option.  The change from Matt Smith would be too abrupt and I don't think that the fans would follow.

The shirt isn't just a visual joke, it's also a statement about the infinite capacity of Wheaton's ego.

Colin Baker at Comic Con said last week that he really wants the next Doctor to be an older man, or black, or maybe even a woman.  Apparently a "Helen Mirren for Doctor" campaign started in Denver.  However, Moffat recently polled an audience at a comic con and more than half of the audience said that they'd stop watching if there was a female Doctor.  The thing is, we assume these were men who don't want to see a female Doctor, but the last few Doctors have become sex symbols.  Maybe the women don't want a female Doctor, either.  Regardless of my own mixed feelings on the subject, whether or not a female Doctor would be a progressive and positive thing to do is irrelevant:  It's such an unpopular concept that it would likely sink the show.  (Although, I don't doubt for a second that River would carry on her romance with a female Doctor.)

Skybet has started placing odds on who the 12th Doctor will be, allowing people with way too much money to actually bet on it.  If you look at the odds, you'll notice one thing:  they're fucking stupid.  What possible information could there be to predict this?  Sports have Vegas-style odds because you can analyze the strength of the teams and the players and estimate the likeliness of each team winning.  Horses are similar, you can judge them on their past performances.  Even the odds that are put out on the Oscars are based on some inside industry insight.  How can you possibly create odds based on zero clues?  Clues are being kept under very tight raps until the announcement (with the exception being that somehow the news has leaked to Leslie Crusher).  I feel like those that are being given good odds are given those because the odds makers want a certain Doctor to be cast.  It would be like a more underhanded version of my Richard Ayoade campaign.  If I put out that the odds were good that Richard Ayoade would be the Doctor, that might help me get him cast in the role.

Nothing about a website that offers you your first bet for free makes them sound like scam artists or drug dealers.  Nothing at all.

The biggest bullshit about these numbers is this:  Skybet put a fluctuating number on the possibility of David Tennant coming back to take over the role again, floating his odds between 15/1 and 50/1.  50 is a pretty low number in that situation.  If it were me making this list, that first number would have a lot more digits on it.  You could be hit by lightning in a submarine full of gay, black, Jewish rednecks before David Tennant came back to the role of the Doctor.  These people are making these up based on wishful thinking.  If they actually believe that the chance of David Tennant's return to the role is high enough that it might actually happen, then they fail to understand how Doctor Who works.

Of the actors that are being tossed around, there are three that usually fall near the top:  Ben Singer from Law and Order:  UK, Chiwetel Ejiofor who won a Lawrence Olivier award in 2008 for Othello, and Russel Tovey from Being Human.  I know nothing about Singer, but I love Being Human, and Russel Tovey was the main part of that.  The thing is, he's already appeared on Doctor Who twice playing the same role, Alonzo Frame, in "Voyage of the Damned" and "The End of Time (Part 2)."  However, there is precedent in the franchise to suggest that Time Lords do have (at least limited) control over how they're going to look when they regenerate, and some of them, such as Romana or, depending on how you interpret it, the 6th Doctor may have intentionally based his new image on Commander Maxil as that was Colin Baker's role before he became a Doctor.  Even River in "Let's Kill Hitler" said, as she regenerated from Mels into River, that she was "trying to focus on a dress size," but it seems mostly random.  You might even suggest that Time Ladies can do it and Time Lords can't

The problem is, Tovey pretty much always plays excruciatingly shy characters.  I can't imagine Tovey playing such an extroverted character as the Doctor.  A shy Doctor is an oxymoron.  I can't even imagine it.  And I simply can't imagine Tovey as an extrovert.

A real Doctor wouldn't need to hide anything.

I don't know much about Eijofor, other than that he was in Dirty Pretty Things, a movie that I watched for no other reason than the fact that it was Audrey Tautou's first English speaking movie (because I was in Emerson film school, and everyone on campus was all about Amelie that year).  I've been told he was also in Serenity, the film that wrapped up the plot of Joss Whedon's science-fiction franchise, Firefly.  While I've certainly seen Serenity (I am a Buffy nerd, too, after all), it's not a movie that I've watched more than once.  Personally, when it comes to post-Angel Whedon, I lean more towards Dollhouse than Firefly.

Even though I don't know much about him, Eijofor is my first choice of the names being batted around, simply because I think it is long past time for the Doctor to stop being a white man.  Of course I would prefer Ayoade, but I'd be happy to see a black Doctor.  I just hope that the first black Doctor is brilliant.  I don't want it to be a poor performance that can be used as some ridiculous excuse for all the future Doctors to be white.  Of all the dumb excuses I've heard as to why the Doctor shouldn't be a woman, one was someone citing the way a female captain screwed up the Star Trek franchise.  Which is bullshit because Kate Mulgrew should be considered a national treasure.

Yet, there's one important thing to remember:  When David Tennant stepped down, the Internet was filled with people speculating over who the next Doctor would be.  And wouldn't you know it, not only did they pull out an actor nobody had been speculating about, they pulled out someone nobody had ever heard of.  Apart from a supporting role on a show called Party Animals, Smith was primarily a stage actor when he was cast as the Doctor.  Neil Gaiman recently said that he thought the Doctor should be played by an unknown actor because he wanted the Doctor to be the Doctor and didn't want to think of all the famous work that this actor had done instead of thinking of him as the Doctor.  I totally understand that.  Most Doctors started as character actors, really.  It's actually a subset of the acting community that is uniquely suited to play the role of the Doctor.  And the Doctor is pretty much the only role that can give these actors such a high level of notoriety.

So what I'm saying is that, while I love the speculation, we have to acknowledge that all of our guesses are probably wrong.  I wonder how much money Skybet makes if nobody on their list is chosen?  Hmm...sounds suspicious to me.


And, with the introduction of the John Hurt Doctor--which technically makes Matt Smith the 12th Doctor, not the 11th--and the announcement that Matt Smith is leaving at the Christmas special, that means that the Doctor is actually going to have his final regeneration this Christmas.  Of course, there's going to be more regenerations in the future, I just hope there's an explanation why the Doctor gets more regenerations.

But my point is that, if this is his last natural regeneration...where is the Valeyard?

It begins...

I'm as tired as you are of the Obama meme, but I wanted to kick off my official Richard Ayoade for 12th Doctor campaign in earnest, and I felt that I should do that with a campaign poster.  A better one will come eventually.

Until then, I want you to look at this man's face, and then think to yourself:  "How perfect of a Doctor would he be?"